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KIDS AND THE HOLIDAYS

A Guide to Minimizing the Negative Effects of Divorce on Children During Holiday Visitation

Introduction:

The holiday season can be a very special, happy time of year. It is a time spent with family and friends, celebrating and relaxing, watching football and, of course, eating. For a divorced parent, however, the holidays can bring renewed and intensified feelings of anger or pain over the actions of their former spouse or guilt from "failing" in the marriage. Such feelings become devastating to children if allowed to manifest themselves through disagreements or arguments over visitation periods, gift-giving, or travel arrangements. To prevent emotional and psychological damage to the children during the holidays, divorced parents should keep the best interests of the children in mind, at all times, when making decisions and plans concerning periods of visitation.

The Problem:

Since the holidays are a time spent with family, each parent wants the children for as much time as possible. In Texas, a divorce decree will typically provide for visitation by agreement of the parties or, in the absence of agreement, holiday visitation is divided equally between spouses. Unfortunately, actual holiday plans rarely coincide precisely with court-ordered visitation periods and some alterations are necessary. In these instances a parent may be tempted to manipulate the situation in an effort to "win" against the former spouse, usually at the emotional expense of the children. Holiday misdeeds of a parent usually take on a distorted meaning for the children due to the nature of the holiday season, and frequently cause a decline in cooperation between parents that may last well beyond the holiday season. The gamesmanship, if not avoided, may very well continue into the adult years of the children as each parent continues to position for more time with the children than the other parent. The pressure to choose one parent over the other that is placed on children by such actions is increased even more when grandchildren enter the scene. By this time, no court order is in effect, and the decisions regarding allocation of time between parents ultimately falls to the children who must strike a precarious balance between their parents.

Suggestions for Successful Holiday Visitation

Thoughtful preparation for visitation together with open communication between the parents themselves, and between parents and children, may help to alleviate much of the emotional upheaval that often surrounds the holidays, for both parents and children. Most parents are able to rationally resolve any holiday visitation conflict by focusing on the needs of the children thereby removing the emotional aspect of communicating with the former spouse. The decision whether to include the children in certain conversations or decisions should always be centered on the best interests of the children, instead of using them as pawns against the former spouse. Here are some ways in which a parent may work with the other parent to ensure successful and happy holiday visitation periods for the children:

1. Know Your Decree

The divorce decree or other court order providing for visitation between divorced parents should contain provisions for holiday visitation. If a dispute about holiday visitation reaches the family court, the decree will carry great weight in its resolution, therefore each parent should understand its visitation provisions, and must be willing to live by them. A parent may petition to modify the visitation provisions of the decree under certain circumstances, and the court may do so, if the changes would be in the best interests of the children. Modification of the decree, whether or not it is contested, may take several months to complete, so a parent seeking modification of the holiday visitation schedule should begin the process early in the year. By being aware, in advance, of the visitation schedule ordered by the court, a parent should not feel surprised or ambushed by the other parent's request that is within those parameters. Also, the parent should be able to plan around the court-ordered schedule, or be willing to work with the other parent to reach agreement for the children's sake.

2. Planning the Holidays

By knowing what holiday visitation is provided in the divorce decree, each parent should be able to make travel or other plans that work within that framework. In most cases, activities can be arranged to coincide with the court-ordered period of possession. If special circumstances arise or a certain activity cannot be arranged to comply with the court's order, a parent may seek agreement from the other parent to deviate from the scheduled visitation. In these situations, effective communication and cooperation between parents is essential to a workable solution.

3. Communicate

Contact between divorced parents regarding holiday visitation should begin well before the holiday period. Information concerning holiday plans should be exchanged so that it is clear when and where the visitation period of each parent will occur. Disagreements may then be resolved in advance thereby lessening the possibility of last minute struggles in the children's presence. If travel is planned, each parent should inform the other of the location, name and telephone number where the children can be reached or other pertinent information.

Oftentimes, parents may be unable to communicate effectively with each other due to highly-charged emotions or other factors. Conversation regarding a request to deviate from the visitation schedule, or other plans regarding the holiday season should never take place through a child. Using a child as a medium between parents puts an undue burden on the child and virtually assures the child's animosity toward one parent, if not both. In instances where the parents cannot effectively communicate, they should try to use a neutral third-party to facilitate communication and planning.

A parent should not degrade the other parent to the child, especially during the holiday season. Negative statements about a former spouse can cause a child to develop feelings of guilt because they like the other parent, or even anger toward the parent for speaking ill of the former spouse. While it may be difficult for the parent to refrain, by presenting only positive or neutral statements regarding a former spouse while in the children's presence, the children are saved these feelings and the inner conflict that normally accompanies them.

4. Be Realistic and Cooperative

As stated above, most divorce decrees permit visitation by agreement of the parties. In negotiating such an agreement, parents should be realistic and cooperative, within the boundaries established by the best interests of the children. The parties should keep in mind what the family court would do if faced with the situation. The court would try to reach an arrangement that is equitable for both parties and, above all, fair to the children. If the parties reach agreement, they should live by it. By doing so, they may engender a spirit of trust and collaboration that will foster future agreement. At the very least, such actions may quell feelings of distrust and suspicion between the parties.

5. Don't Use the Children

A parent in possession of a child on the day of a holiday should encourage that child to call the other parent. By doing so, the parent helps to remove any feelings of guilt the child may have for not being with the other parent.

A parent should not use the children to communicate with the other parent regarding issues likely to cause heated discussion with the other parent. Children should be protected from conflict between the parents as much as possible. When parents communicate directly in an effort to resolve conflict, the child is removed from any feelings of personal responsibility for resolving the conflict.

At times a child may realize and be tempted to abuse the parents' desire to win the child's affections through purchasing lavish gifts. Divorced parents should agree between themselves in advance as to which gifts each parent will purchase for the child. Gifts should be limited to those the child reasonably needs or wants. Through rational discussion, parents can arrive at an arrangement that is beneficial for the child, as well as for the parents, and may prevent the child from playing parent-against-parent in the future.

Conclusion

The holiday season may present difficult visitation, travel, and gift-giving situations for divorced parents. However, if parents will keep the best interests of the children as their main priority in resolving such situations, the children may be protected from unhealthy feelings of responsibility or guilt, and enjoy the holidays with both parents. Through thoughtful communication and planning, parents may provide enjoyable holiday time for the children spent with each parent.

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